Let’s get this post started with how this day came to be horrible and then go on to my thoughts about it.
I think that the one thing that really made this day worse than the past few was the distinct lack of sleep, both last night as well as for the week previous all coming together into some great conflagration, destroying the entire day for me.
You see, I didn’t get to sleep until 5:00 AM today, and then I woke up at 10:00AM. Although most of the time I’m able to function semi-normally on just 5 hours of sleep, the fact that I’ve been getting maybe 6 hours for the past week or so has really created a sleep deficit. And my body decided to pay me back today, big time.
When my body pays me back, it almost always happens to me emotionally, thankfully. Well, it’s both good and bad. While I’m not sick for ages, I do tend to mess things up for a while. I get irritable, pushy, and very feisty. That all happened to me today.
It all seemed to come together tonight when we went out for dinner at Black Angus, home of the gravy pipe. I know that I wasn’t the nicest of people tonight, so I tried to keep my mouth shut as much as possible. Even so I still slipped out some stuff that I kind of regret saying. But unlike the Internet, you can’t remove something and pretend that it never happened. Unfortunatelly.
I guess that the biggest reflection back upon today that I have to make is that sleep is really important, and I need to get back onto a regular schedule, especially considering that I have an 8:30 class this upcoming semester. Yay, Russian!
I’m trying out this whole blogger thing. Let’s see how this looks. Should be easier to enter stuff into than the whole wiki thing I was trying. That was getting really old really quickly.
Today was great. Hung out with Amber all day. That just broke my heart (sarcasm).
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to sleep, even though Lupin the Third is looking to be rather funny
It’s been a while since the last update.
Since last time I’ve been to my first club. To tell you the truth, it wasn’t too interesting. Not very interesting at all, but I was told that it’s usually a pretty busy place. Oh well. I really don’t think that I’m going to be going back any time soon. It really reminded me of those shit holes in Austria that I always got dragged to. Yea!! I really want to go to some crowded smokey place with music so loud that I can’t even think. Fuck that. Call me jaded, call me an ass, call me what you want, but that just isn’t me.
I don’t know, I think that I like a place where I can sit and talk to someone, take it easy, and not really have to worry about dancing, or anything like that. For me, a great evening is a lot more relaxed than a club, like a pub or something like that. I especially hate having to yell at the top of my lungs to even talk to someone.
It kind of sucked also because I got home so late that I slept through my alarms, causing me to miss Synagogue on Saturday morning. I’m going to go this Friday though. That’s for sure. I love it there. It’s one of the first places that I’ve been where I feel comfortable, where I don’t feel alone in the world. There aren’t many places or times when I feel that way, and I tend to cherish that kind of feeling. I think that if all goes well this Friday and Saturday, then I’m going to talk to the Rabbi.
Just as a bit of history for you. The word Wednesday comes from two words, the Old English word for the king of gods, Woden, and the word for day, dæg.
In other news, I’m back in Vegas. It’s nice to be home, to have the possibility to sleep in my own bed.
Sad, still hurt, but kind of getting better. I don’t think of her all the time now. Just most of the time ;). The pain’s still there, but I really don’t know what it is anymore. I’m really confused.
I can’t wait until this weekend. Everybody should be back in town. And I’m 21. Big party time. I can drink to my birthday. I can drink to my friend’s health. I can drink to end the confusion. I think that after two and a half years of thinking safe, I’m going to finally let loose. Maybe it’s the confusion. Maybe it’s the pain that I’m feeling, but for some reason, stuff just doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. I’m willing to take risks that I wasn’t willing to take earlier.
You know, looking back on everything, it’s kind of interesting to take an objective viewpoint of everything that’s happened to me. I think that when it comes to relationships, I’ve been hurt the most by the good girl, and not all of the bad girls who ended up cheating on me. Maybe because I didn’t take the relationships too seriously at the time. Or it could have been that I was kind of expecting it, seeing as how they’d done it to previous boyfriends. Oh well. I guess that that’s how the cookie crumbles.
It does hurt though. Immensely.
Here I am, getting ready to go back to Vegas. Everything’s packed already. Now I’m just waiting for morning. I can’t wait to be home. Hang out with my friends. Be somewhere where I know the streets, and how to get places. Yeah. Should be fun.
Have you ever felt like your heart had been torn out of you and stomped on and then shoved back in? And then the very essence of your being had been torn out, your soul was gone, and you were just left as a husk of a being. Your core beliefs shattered. Yeah. That’s how I feel about now. It’s been a week since she decided to break up with me (on my birthday), and I still feel the pain. Although now it’s pain mixed with anger and a little bit of hatred. I really don’t like those feelings. I don’t like them at all.
I think that the hardest thing for me to reconcile is that I wrote her a poem not three weeks before for her birthday, and when I read it to her, she cried and told me that nobody had ever done anything like that for her before. And then she told me that she loved me. Now I’m left here wondering, was she lying? How long had she been lying when she told me that she loved me? Did I do something wrong in those three weeks to make her stop loving me? I don’t know. I guess that I’ll never really know. Probably the only thing that I’ll know is the hurt that she did to me. The sense of loss. I really don’t like it. Not at all.
Today I switched everything over to the MediaWiki project. Hopefully this’ll allow me to express myself a bit more completely, and to branch out into other projects that I really would like to do (documentation, writings, etc.).
This also gives me to kind of remake myself, or at least my online presence in a manner after all of the large, painful goings on that’ve happened recently.
I sincerely hope that this change doesn’t bother too many people (somehow, with the lack of viewers that I was getting, I doubt that it will).